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10th August 2008

1:39am: war
I don't know who is right or whois wrong, I just know that there are people dying for nothing and that there is little that I can do about it. This bothers me tremendously. Those poor people. Pics
http://milkavkaz.net/forum/viewtopic.php?p=9956#9956

2nd August 2008

10:44pm: Missing Wacken
I was unable to go to Wacken this year. After last year's sad adventures and horrendous price paid for one week of festival, I decided that I'd skip it this year. It has been a hard and painful decision to make, but I had no choice. Last year I was ill for 3 weeks after Wacken and I almost didn't make it home. This year finds me in only slightly better health, but not enough to endure the trip.
I am working on it. Today I managed to walk 2.5 miles by myself without fainting, but I was pretty much shattered afterwards for hours. The hot and humid English weather doesn't help, but I am still working on it.
I am not going to let my bad health keep me down. It's been almost 2 years, it's enough.

I leave you with Dream and Death.

Current Mood: drained

11th April 2007

12:01pm: that's IT
I can't take it anymore. Fuck hospital, fuck everything else, I am not going to stay in there just to be transferred to an insane asylum. I'm back, motherfuckers! FEAR ME!

10th March 2007

4:36pm: life doesn't end with a 1 foot cut in your chest
it might not feel nice, but it doesn't end.
6 fucking more weeks, then return to the regular mayhem!

18th January 2007

4:49am: things I've learned in 2007
it just started , but it shows to be a good year in the making. I've already learned some goo stuff, and that is always cool.

so, onto the list:

1. Real friends love you regardless of what stupid things you do
2. Younger guys might be cute, but dating someone your own age beats the hell out of it
3. When in doubt, talk about it
4. There is nothing wrong with being sappy, if it's not too public, and even if it is
5. Business untaken care of in time will bite your ass financially
6. Cleaning up is worth the bother
7. Skype doesn't work in the evenings
8. There is nothing wrong with working less
9. Exercising at night is a bad idea
10. Gay guys are as cranky as a woman on the rag, ALL THE TIME
11. Sometimes you can have a better relationship with an ex after you broke up than before
12. Make sure you never run out of needles, you will need them

9th January 2007

1:36am: in which life is bearable
oh well, on my way to Holland so it MUST be Tuesday :)
It could seriously be worse. Ok, so my health has taken a dump, just when i expected the fucking thing to get better, and now I am dealing with heart problems yet again. to quote *someone* "your heart is broken. literally".

It fucking is.

The heart pains ( due to cold/stress/low bp) have returned after 2 years of absence. I've forgotten how they felt, but I guess my brain - or what is left of it- still remembers how to block it. The Nitro spray is with me at all times again... why in the holy name of hell did I go through all that shit in 2005 to fix it?

Oh well....... no point pining over spilled milk.

back on chemo too... and I am trying to maintain myself in the "alive" zone as I have to adjust to them yet again. However, that seems to be having a pretty good effect on my shrinking figure... and there is where to shrink from :)

And preparing for yet another trip to Israel... which will probably be more fruitful than the previous ones ... not to mention that I am looking forward to positive temperatures and SUN!!

Hopefully

Businesswise... I am packing. After resolving all the current stuff, I will hang my badges, cut on travelling and look for a quiet place of the world to hang my leather jacket and store my boots... and i might not even be alone in this pursuit :) But things will flow, and shall be taken from there.

I'm feeling peaceful and restless, if that makes any sense :)

It's a new year. Things are happening, things are changing...
but this time I have more to look forward to than just anotehr surgery and manic time of work and meeting with friends and more work and mixed signals and jealousy and push me-pull you games.

Maybe I will find peace. Maybe I already did.

It's weird how a weekend can be so good (extatically so) and bad( friend having a meltdown) at the same time.

12th December 2006

4:24am: self awareness
This is a survey thingie i have made for myself, for purposes of self evaluation. When I am tired, my brain works better.
The point of this is to adjust it to your own needs and personality... and to be honest.

1. Worse traits
low self esteem
lack of trust
lack of patience

2. Best traits
reliable
sharp
loving
trushspeaking

In human relationships

1. What do you bring to the table?
I make people think
warmth
affection
loyalty

2. What do you need from the table?
Love
Respect
acceptance
tenderness


3. What traits do you need to develop?
Trust
Self awareness
Tougher skin

4. Why?

Because some people are worth to be trusted
because I still see myself as a lonely child no one could ever love or need
because i tend to judge people by their words more than by their actions

5. How do you act?

Extrovert introvert.

6. Are people attracted to you?
Some are.

7. Why?
because I am warm, affectionate, smart and intense

8. Do people hate you?
Some, I seem to ellicit either love or hate, but not indifference

9. Why?
I am snobbish, arrogant and shrewd.

10. Does it bother you?
Not really

In love

1. How do you feel about commitment?
I seem to have become somewhat commitmentphobic lately. Maybe I got hurt one time too many and I am afraid to be hurt again, maybe I am awaiting some answers.

2. What is your worse trait in a relationship?
Lack of trust. I have low self esteem and i have problems believing people care for me. Therefore I am always on the lookout for signs that they don't, and i tend to make mountains out of molehills.
I also can get very angry, but I am working on it.

3. What is your best trait in a relationship?
I give it all I have. I'm loyal, and loving. For some reason I never get it all back, and I end up being hurt

4. It's better to have loved and lost...
Always

5. Standards?
High, and worth it.

6. Sex?
I enjoy sex, but I am off casual sex. makes it rarer but better. Need emotional involvement. I know what I like, I demand it and I give it all I have.

7. Does that work?
Sometimes

8. Can you live without it?
Yes

9. Can you live without affection?
No

10. Can you live without love?
Yes. badly though

11. Does love always need sex to be complete?
No. In some cases it would wreck it.

12. What do you fear most?
Rejection

13. How do you handle it?
It hurts me for a long time. I might not show it, but the wound stays.

14. Do you take rejection personally?
Very much so.

15. have you been rejected recently?
Yes

16. Did it hurt?
It almost killed me. I cried for days, and putting a decent face to it was one of the hardest things I have ever done.

17. Are you over it?
Not sure.

18. Do you hate the person who rejected you?
NO

19. Are you in a relationship?
Sort of. Needs some defining.

20. Is it a happy one?
It could be

21, Are you faithful?
yes

22. Is it hard?
No

23. Is there someone you talk to everyday?
Some 3 people

24. Why?
because i like them, they make me happy and I care for them

25. Are you shy in love?
Very much so. If I run away from someone or i have problems expressing myself, that is a good sign

26. What kind of person is your SO/crush?
Pure introvert

27. What are his/her best traits?
Smart, honest, gentle, sensitive, caring, possessive

28. Worst traits?
far away :(. Doesn't express himself very well, but that is not a bad trait.

29. Are you possessive?
A lot

30. Jealous?
I try not to be too jealous.

31. Are your feelings longlasting?
Yes

32. Do you hold grudges?
I tend to, if I have good reasons

33. Are you affectionate?
ONLY with people who deserve it.

34. What do you wish most for someone you love?
I want them to be happy

35. ...with you?
not necessarily. I want them to be happy even at the cost of my own happiness.
Current Mood: awake
2:35am: there is something wrong with me
1. not that I'm volatile and can fly from all down to all up in 5 seconds

2. not that I work too much and sleep too little

3. not that I am paranoid and don't trust even the people who deserve it

4. not that I am disorganized


But when each and every middle aged clerk adopts me as their daughter, whisks me in front of the line and solves all my stuff first, that is a good sign that I am infantile.
2:26am: more
i had a pizza and an hour of sleep, I am fully recharged and wound up as a spring.

Going to London for visa.

within 2 days, if luck permits, I will be descending down to Israel like your worst nightmare :)

At this moment in time, I would like to express my gratitude to:

1. Some people's fathers and their amazing powers of paying large phonebills to England (tho I wouldn't wanna be there when the bill arrives, that will be hefty;) )

2. The utter shittiness of Israeli mobile providers and how that utter shittiness serves my own interests... when annoying enough it can get even stones to talk ;)

3. My favourite inhabitants of Jerusalem :)... and their utter awkward loveliness. If I learned anything from "it" it's how greatful I am to the people who put up with me- and tell them that I am getting my due punishment in dealing with someone who's worse than I am.

4. The fact that even at age 31 and a half, most middle aged female clerks adopt me instantly.

Let's just say- this shall be an interesting weekend.

11th December 2006

2:24am: the thing that should not be
just happened. Kill.me.now
12:45am: ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
QuizGalaxy!
'What will your obituary say?' at QuizGalaxy.com


:(
12:34am: ummmmmmmmmmm
no point to sleep, I am waking up soon anyway. Pfffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff. Thank Dog for coffee.

Going to Holland :)

Doing business :) Business is good

Possibly meeting with cute smart Dutch guy :D

What? I am technically single :)

6th December 2006

8:51pm: interests ;)
My Interests Collage!Collapse )
1:49am: going back to israel
In a week's time :)

30th November 2006

10:38pm: speechless
tonight
I was depressed, and sad and felt like shit. Tiredness and chemo do that to me, I am always depressed in the night.

I was talkign to a friend from far away, who decided to prove to me that I do have a family that cares for me.

I guess this should be called "Family"
#
yes it's weird, it doesn't drink much english ale. only 4 bottles.
it features agressive guitar playing, trance sounds,
and it lives in nahariya. sometimes it even lives in jerusalem.
smetimes it draws inspiration from iron maiden.
sometimes it plays ICQ warsheep with you.
it may even ask for catfood and listen to overkill with you.

but little by little, a different sort of family.
which takes on more meaning than ever in such moments.
so you know.. love and be loved, and everything, will fall into place. as it should.

29th November 2006

2:02am: I hate people
we have trouble in Romania. Big fucking trouble.

Romania is probably one of the last eastern european countries to finally deal with communism's heritage. It kept being there like a big fucking black shadow but no one opened their mouths to say that the people who made the shadow possible were still around, while their victims filled the cemeteries.

I talk to my friends... and my acquaintances. I have friends in Israel who moved there as children, but come from Eastern Europe. They don't remember. I have Romanian friends who are younger than me, and they don't remember either. My friends in the West do not count.

I remember. Two months ago I finally talked to the only friend I have with a similat background as mine- who immigrated as an adult from an ex communist country, and who, being almost my age, remembers.

We remembered the pain and the cold. The lack of any choice, empty shops,lack of electricity, fear. We remembered growing up wit it, the terror present at each step, parents begging the children to never ever tell anyone what was being talked at home. The children who did talk too much... their parent(s) would one day disappear.

How can I explain to anyone who hasn't developped his/her own consciousness under these auspices what it was like? How can I tell anyone how I felt after our revolution when the shops actually had food? How can I tell anyone about the enjoyment I felt when I could buy eggs- until a week before a luxury product, and brought them home like the most sacred thing?

How can I explain to anyone the Transition- from terror to poverty?
I was 14 in 1989. I grew up hard, in a highly dysfunctional environment. I learned things no child should ever learn.

I have been out of Romania for 7 years now. But communism is still with me. I still have nightmares at night, I remember it.

I am still Romanian and proud of it. I have a great heritage. But there is a cancer within my nation's soul, as there is one in my body. A demon eating at it.

My country needs peace with itself. Those who have comitted crimes are still alive and well. They need to pay.

Most of them are old people. Would it make sense to put them in jail? I don't know.

But I want some closure. I want to know that things are called on. I want to know trhat the wrongness of it is exposed.

Communism... there is not black and white about it. Just black, a dark damp horrid cellar, and we need to at least lit a candle in and try to air out the stench looming within my nation's soul.

Not religion, not anything else that's just a bandaid on a purulent wound will restore some kind of peace of mind to the people of my country.

We need to air it, we need to just say it " IT WAS FUCKING WRONG" and deal with it.

an infected wound doesn't heal. It needs to be cleaned out.

I love my country. Those close to me know how important it is to me.

But I rarely go home, because the memories are too vivid, and the shadows still haunt me.
My country needs to air that dark damp stinky cellar, and then maybe I can go home.
Current Mood: pensive
1:44am: i have problems
you know you have problems when:

1. Your main form of comunication is the Internet

2. You have lost the ability of writing in your native language

3. You can't listen to any new music without
mentally valuing its marketability

4. When thinking of home, Heathrow airport comes to mind

5. Any discussion with friends unavoidably comes down to business and only optionally some other stuff

6. Your sleep pattern is designed in function of time differences

7. You no longer flinch at plane food

8. Sleeping is more important than sex

26th November 2006

8:33am: even less sleep than usual
ONLY 2 hours of sleep, fuck!

NOT GOOD!

Not that I didn't have a coupla great days, but DAMN! I.NEED.MORE.SLEEP
Or any sleep? PLEASE!!!!

I can't live on 2 hours of sleep :(
So I am pissed off, tired, and in need of good coffeee, a good smart convo and a game of zoopaloola :)


But that is a completely different issue.

Maybe I am just broody from lack of sleep and lack of... some fucking people.

25th November 2006

5:55am:

I am still having problems figuring out whether that's a "wtf" look or a "don't kill me " look.




beautiful shores, thoroughly enjoyed while trying to translate Beowulf ;)




some people need so little to be happy :) For me, it's normally great sex that puts that ecstatic look on my face. This one settled for English ale.




I always wanted a secretary, and this is my dream come true :)




Straight in front of my hostel- lovely beach, great for skinnydipping and other sappy shit like watching sunsets. ISrael tuened me into a totally and romantic sappy moron. Kill me!

Well, the rest of the interesting pics fall under repeating stuff or light pornography and shall not be shared :)

and before anyone needs to ask- this does not expell me from singledom. I just happen to be a stinking elitist who likes pretty things.
1:29am: hmmm
back home and sort of rested after a (partially) successful business trip to Israel... which was tremendously enjoyed and thoroughly appreciated.


Which will be told later...

Today I had a fun filled day of an unexpected sort, and a coupla bad moments... but it was spent mostly in one long discussion about food, metal, history and deep linguistics (any discussionin which I am forced to comprehend more than 2 languages is good shit :), this one had 4, yay!!!! ),not to mention playing silly ICQ games and sucking at it. The bastard beat me at each and every one of them!

I am normally a rather stern person- fuck you, I live in a world of dumb people- and my sense of humour oscillates between very sick and very sarcastic, so me having silly fun is a rare event, to be treated and cerebrated as such.


And all this stuff made me happy and smile all day like a moron... and this is therefore a salute to my favourite inhabitant of Jerusalem :)

I have got to go back to Israel tho'.

11th November 2006

3:17pm: I love romanian media
Worldwide Cretinism

If the great enemies of civilization would be counted, after nazism and communism,, cretinism should follow, although judging by its spreading, it probably should be on the first place.

The same way many people are daily involved in all sorts of -isms, daily we are exposed to billions of people who have adhered to the world's bigegst secret organization, the most powerful cult, the most devastating religion, the thing over all other things: Cretinism.

This is the most fertile ground, this is the strongest seed, it's paradox in its most pure state. And I also believe that we should rectify the list of the aggregation states of the matter, from where it shouldn't miss : solid, liquid, gaseous, plasma and cretin.
Organically speaking, the best ground and natural compost for it to grow and harmoniously develop , aside from faenza and tiles,is indulgence. Otherwise said, diseases like PC, politeness and empathy.

"leave him alone, he's human as well" is a weapon with more blades than we can imagine. "leave him alone, he won't do it again, I spoke to him and all will be ok" deserve a bullet to the head to punish the stupid thought.

"do you understand me?" if you often use this question or if it doesn't bother you, I recomemnd you don't take this column personally. I believe this is one of the very few questions that can accompany another question. Allow me to explain, do you understand me? Otherwise, if you have the vocation of longwinded explanations that no one can understand a thing, the need to constantly interrupt the other , without any connection to his speech, the detailed descriptions full of irrelevant details in context, the paranoid respect for rules that can be adapted, are all clear signs of the approaching cretinism's epicentre.

Its imminent presence has symptoms similar in diversity with the animals' alert before an earthquake. If you receive a phonecall and the voice says "hello it's me", believe it for it is true. If, far away from home, someone tells you they forgot something on the wardrobe, pay attention, as you are in the presence of a dangerous person.

maybe you believe that these nuances and details are neglectable and that they can't change anything important, and this is how the fatal error is born. If you fix up to meet with someone and that person says "I'll see you at 5:30 if it happens", it would be better for you to not go.

If you do meet up, this person will tell you " Fine, ok, do you understand me, bye , and that maybe, perhaps, you'll definitely see each other again.

I believe that in the Pentagon's labs they study seriously the cretins's communication systems, as it is supposed to be fundamentally similar with the compatibility system generated by the aggregation states.Smart people amongst themselves never understand each other so well, never organize so smoothly and efficient as cretins amongst themselves. what harmony, what communication, what effervescence, what destructive creativity, what a huge enclave that swallows the minoritary majority!


It is wrongly said that the world is ran by conspirations. The cretins are winning by a landslide against all judeos-franc masons of the world becaus ethey have a huge advantage. A dicine protection doubled by a demographic pressure is fating them to an explosive success, with no right to appeal. Therefore, I want to tell you that, effectively, I believe that I sure think that pure and simple the 21st century will be cretin or you don't want to know how it will be. As such, I cannot possibly tell you how it will be.

Although the fight is being lost every second in Ob Gyns, on the telly, in schools, in business centres and othe rpublic incubators, I happen to believe that the world can become habitable again in smalla reas, with the constant help of each and everyone of us. Let us use the courage to set things straight before they go TOO wrong. Let us find the strength to not say mechanically "oh, how nice, what a lovely lisping and charming lady" unattentively glossing over the whole lot of idiocies this verbal armada is spewing. The fight is to be carried between humour and statistics.


And the dark side of the statistic could be the evidence that, sometimes, out of three people, two are cretins. But this is not all, for this is where its dark fame comes from. The allmighty cretinism makes it that out of three people, all be cretins.

Good health, if it is!


Translated from Romanian by yours truly. Original can be found here
http://www.evz.ro/article.php?artid=279892

10th November 2006

10:00pm: loveliness
You scored as Legolas.

</td>

Eowyn of Rohan

100%

Meriadoc Brandybuck (Merry)

100%

Legolas

100%

Frodo Baggins

83%

Aragorn

80%

Gandalf the Grey

80%

Galadriel

80%

Saruman the White

80%

Peregrin Took (Pippin)

80%

Gimli

77%

Arwen of Rivendell

60%

Samwise Gamgee

60%

Gollum

60%

Boromir

40%

Which Lord of the Rings character are you most like?
created with QuizFarm.com


who am I to argue, anyway? I guess the character does appeal to my elitist nature ;)

6th November 2006

8:25pm: tired
very tired and fucking depressed. I hate people, i hate life and i fucking hate myself. No matter how hard i fucking work there will always be someone to complain. There is only one of me... and this one is just not able to do everything.

A friend that i was looking forward to meet today in London stood me up, and this makes me very sad.
Current Mood: crushed

5th November 2006

4:13am: wtf ?
I notied recently that there seems to be a stream of guests to my flat, especially on weekends. This is weirdness to the nth degree as I am a very unsociable person.

earlier tonight, Mirek and his new gf ( not friends but mainly members of my social circle) dropped by with the declared purpose to drag me out to a party.
Turns out to my amazement that being that I have returned to singledom, my social circle finds it unacceptable and are planning to get me hitched.

Morons.

Due to the nature of my various interests, I live at the neat intersection of some weird social circles.

1. The biker gang I hang out with. Whilst I haven't owned a bike in 4 years ( RIP my beloved Indian, rest in pieces), my propensity for big bikes is known and appreciated, which means that I do get to ride a couple of lust objects every once in a while. My affiliation to the Bones notwithhstanding, I am considering buying a bike in 2007.

2. Metal people. These are people with whom my involvement in the music business brings me in contact. This includes local musicians and promoters, plus general metal fauna. Good for partying.

3. The Uni people, under the bearded patronage of Sir Alec. I guess to a point I am somewhat of a quarter of a research assistant since each time they lack computation power or just a fresh mind to look at things, it all ends up on my spare PC. That, and I live close to the Uni and make good coffee ;)

4. Own social circle, formed by my ex husband and his family ( who after Darren coming out of the closet adopted me as somekind of a prodigal daughter), various day to day acquaintances and such.

5. Feminist and leftie activist people. From my volunteering and campaigning activities. Since the shelter closed down last month, I find myself with free time and no place to donate it.

Most of these people will drop at my place at any hour of day and night. I welcome them with coffee, a place to crash and sometimes good convo.

I have no fucking idea what they do here because I don't like people per se, and most human companionship irks me.

3rd November 2006

6:12pm: testing, testing
Sitting at home in a dark november evening, listening to good music from an unsigned band ( not for long if I have something to do with it) and pondering.

It's been a long week.

I have been growing increasingly tired, cranky and impatient as the week progressed. At the end of it, I find myself with a signed band and a business agreement that is the biggest thing I have ever done.

I deserve to cerebrate, but I cannot get myself to do it yet.

It took courage. But at the end of it there is something... a band that has a word to say will be given a voice.

Makes it all worth it.
Current Mood: drained
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