soopermouse (soopermouse) wrote,

  • Mood:

I hate people

we have trouble in Romania. Big fucking trouble.

Romania is probably one of the last eastern european countries to finally deal with communism's heritage. It kept being there like a big fucking black shadow but no one opened their mouths to say that the people who made the shadow possible were still around, while their victims filled the cemeteries.

I talk to my friends... and my acquaintances. I have friends in Israel who moved there as children, but come from Eastern Europe. They don't remember. I have Romanian friends who are younger than me, and they don't remember either. My friends in the West do not count.

I remember. Two months ago I finally talked to the only friend I have with a similat background as mine- who immigrated as an adult from an ex communist country, and who, being almost my age, remembers.

We remembered the pain and the cold. The lack of any choice, empty shops,lack of electricity, fear. We remembered growing up wit it, the terror present at each step, parents begging the children to never ever tell anyone what was being talked at home. The children who did talk too much... their parent(s) would one day disappear.

How can I explain to anyone who hasn't developped his/her own consciousness under these auspices what it was like? How can I tell anyone how I felt after our revolution when the shops actually had food? How can I tell anyone about the enjoyment I felt when I could buy eggs- until a week before a luxury product, and brought them home like the most sacred thing?

How can I explain to anyone the Transition- from terror to poverty?
I was 14 in 1989. I grew up hard, in a highly dysfunctional environment. I learned things no child should ever learn.

I have been out of Romania for 7 years now. But communism is still with me. I still have nightmares at night, I remember it.

I am still Romanian and proud of it. I have a great heritage. But there is a cancer within my nation's soul, as there is one in my body. A demon eating at it.

My country needs peace with itself. Those who have comitted crimes are still alive and well. They need to pay.

Most of them are old people. Would it make sense to put them in jail? I don't know.

But I want some closure. I want to know that things are called on. I want to know trhat the wrongness of it is exposed.

Communism... there is not black and white about it. Just black, a dark damp horrid cellar, and we need to at least lit a candle in and try to air out the stench looming within my nation's soul.

Not religion, not anything else that's just a bandaid on a purulent wound will restore some kind of peace of mind to the people of my country.

We need to air it, we need to just say it " IT WAS FUCKING WRONG" and deal with it.

an infected wound doesn't heal. It needs to be cleaned out.

I love my country. Those close to me know how important it is to me.

But I rarely go home, because the memories are too vivid, and the shadows still haunt me.
My country needs to air that dark damp stinky cellar, and then maybe I can go home.
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